Of Pain and Dismemberment
This is it whores and pikyes, our beloved hero and my own personal idol, the gun wielding bullet dodging insane schizophrenic bastard is back, uglier than ever, bent on sharing his hate with every unlucky fuck that happens to stand in his twisted way. This samurai's Kung Fu is stronger than ever, and even though samurais don't give a flying fuck about Kung Fu, they don't shoot bullets out of their asses either, so everything goes here gents, the crowd goes wild while time freezes, allowing Hell's eyes to be drawn towards this sick individual who keeps sending people burning down only to be able to achieve his dark revenge, unlucky chains of events that lead to everyone dying around him, and this is where the beauty is, in death, so we can even call our Rambo here a fucking artist. He likes to paint the floors in red, he wields dual Ingrams for aesthetic purposes only and now wears a shirt and tie, Hawaiian shirt Tuesday is fucking over, this shit has gotten more serious than ever.
Like I said earlier everybody fucking dies here, I don't want to spoil your fun, but through insane circumstances and turnovers all the characters in this game die, several times even, 'cause we all know that death is so much better the second time, when you can make sure that no necrophile sneaks in at your funeral to mark your grave for further investigation in the subsequent week.
"Hey Freddy, grab the shovels, we have new meat!" "Oh, Jim, I hate it when you call them 'meat', I just can't stand you eating their toes every time"
Dick Justice and Cock Law
This hero wouldn't be the perfect ideal for disturbed teenagers that play videogames all day unless he'd be hittin' some pussy, so Remedy brought in Mona Sax, the sweet ass twin sister of that other bitch that got killed in the first game. She's the craziest slut I've ever seen in a video game, she drinks Molotov cocktails and shits grenades, looks something like Lara Croft meets The Predator meets Queen Elizabeth and can beat the shit out of every single fuck that is stupid enough to ask her where does she stick that huge Duganov gun when she's not aiming it at people's heads. So Max Payne meets Mona Sax, a noir love story starts to flow along with the killing and the madness, to enact what should have been just a game but turned out to be better than a movie. I've had guys that sat next to me through the whole game and watched me so they could gasp at the story, the dialogues, the graphics and most of all the action, bullets flying, blood spilling, hatred distributed equally.
The Flesh of Fallen Angels
I'm pretty sure that you remember the original Max Payne game, driven by a simple story that was told beautifully, with drama and madness, hatred and pain, deceits and corruption. Same thing here, I'm not going to tell you much, just that old bonds are made stronger so that Max Payne can start caring again about people and trusting them again, only to be deceived and watch them all die, no exception, the violent pace and course of the plot forcing our hero to hang on to his life, drive out the demons out of his heart and keep track of reality when life becomes a fucking whore that fucks his brains out of his injured head.
Genius is no God-damned stranger to the crazy fucks that made this game, you can see pieces of brain sparks splattered all throughout the game, starting with the lines characters deliver, going through TV shows and theme parks, all the way to opening up the head of a delusional schizophrenic paranoid mad individual and putting it on screen, with shrieks of insanity and whispers coming from deep inside a battered heart. Shit like "In this hall of mirrors, built by liars, I am a pale reflection of myself" pops out randomly, with no connection to the action whatsoever, inserted there so the player can tremble with admiration for the greater minds that set this shit in movement. Fucking brilliant, I tell you, Max Payne - the book (if there would be one) is something that I'd have tattooed all over my ugly body to bless it with profound insight of a cripple brain.
Dearest of all my friends
The Fall of Max Payne is a game thou shall not miss, it's perfect all the way. Technically speaking, it's a small masterpiece that teaches a payneful lesson to all the games that have come out or will be coming out this year. Graphically, it offers a slideshow of Van Gogh's and Picasso's, running more than decent on last year's medium PCs while delivering next generation graphics. Flawless textures tickle the ocular organ while perfect character models turn out to look and act like real breathing, eating, shitting and fucking people (thanks to Havoc), the levels are designed to provide challenging battlefields every time. The most important technical thing in this game is the physics engine, masterfully done and they know it, so the developers show it off any chance they get. Start with the Havoc thingie for the characters, which allows them to move and die very realistically, go through throwing grenades and Molotov cocktails all the way to blowing stuff up, tipping things over and such.
You can interact with everything you fucking like, for example flush the toilet, smash the TV set when you get tired of the crappy pr0n it was showing, open drawers and cabinets, listen to answering machines and whatever you think that can be done.
The bullet time was definitely changed, it's somewhat faster now, and I'm not entirely happy with that. They have made a compromise between how much the time slows down when in bullet time and the amount of time you can spend in it. So your stamina recovers faster now, time doesn't exactly freeze but at best slows down just a bit, and if you reload your weapon while in bullet time, you'll have the pleasant surprise to see your character perform a slick turnaround and reload move. Like I said, I'm pretty disappointed by Bullet Time 2.0 as they have called it, because I was hoping more for the old one to be used when I heard Max and Sax would be going at it, you can't just ignore the perspective of a bullet time cum-shot, time freezing with the camera zooming in and rotating around the load of cum while it flies off Payne's 9" Berretta to meet Mona's face. Eh, one can only dream.
I think I'm dead, I don't know, I don't know...
Another major change Max Payne suffered is Max Payne himself, the actor being replaced with a regular man that tries to play the tough guy. Well, he does a pretty good job, but I have to confess that I miss that skinny fuck with the stupid grin on his face, he was definitely cooler than this new guy, plus he is the one that deserves popping Mona's cherry for what it's worth, he even dressed cooler, now the new Max Payne looks like a fucking paper pusher with a stupid office job, and he even wears expensive shoes. Slut! Other than that, it's all good, Vladimir Lem's voice gives me an instant hard-on, immediately followed by a violent ejaculation provoked by Mona's moans. Sure, it's not like that other bitch's voice in the first game, Payne's wife, telling him to "wake up Max, you're in a computer game".
Yeah baby, say my name bitch, what's my name, spit it out and say it! What's that, the music is too loud and you want me to turn it the fuck down? You're the one that turns me down, bitch, the music is played by demons from hell and orchestrated by fucking Satan himself to assure the heavenly sounds fit this perfectly, your angelic face covered in cum and blood, broken violins screeching rotten death while I pluck my rusted knife into your left shoulder and twist it slowly, how does this shit make you feel? Still don't want to dance with me now, whore? Fuck Minerva
Yeah, fuck the bitch, two of my greatest sexual preferences converge over her dead body: deophilia and necrophilia, had she only been a man and about 12 years old, I'd die fucking happy right now, but whatever, the whore representing wisdom is dead, all hail the new GODS OF GENIUS, Remedy Entertainment that brought me the best game since Postal 2, fucking smart asses pulled off all the right things in the right amounts. The game is perfectly insane, it looks and sounds great and runs well on your mediocre cheap-ass machine, it got out in time, no fucking delay stunts like Valve or id are pulling right now, demented soundtrack and gameplay.
They had so much hate they fucking had to share it with us, aren't you glad my love that instead of drinking cheap vodka and making out on a park bench we're playing this game to get aroused and fuck our brains out? Sure, if it had swords instead of guns, it would have been fucking divine. I love sword, it's a personal weapon, I'm an elite shadow warrior bent on spilling guts and chopping heads off, can I hear you say "GAH!"? But guns are okay nevertheless, I can express my rage just as well, thank you very much, here's one in the knee cap, crawl on your stomach and ingurgitate my grenade, hold on to that pin though, I'll fucking need it to poke your eyes out later on, but not before I let you know that your slut mother is fucking dead and taken care of as we speak, I had my cleaners run her over with the black van, load her in the back and have their way with her, can you hear her screaming from the pits of hell?
Graphics: 94. Mona Sax's ass and tits look fucking great, I don't care about the rest.
Sound: 95. Voices recorded from people paid to die and scream like hell.
Gameplay: 95. Story driven slaughter that ends up with everyone fucking dead, no compromises.
Resources & Compatibility: 97. Postpone your upgrade and spend that extra money on pr0n, this game loves poor fucks like you.
Final Score: 95. Overall, I'm lovin' it!